Recap: ‘The Vampire Diaries’: What Did You Say About My Mother?
First of all, this episode was titled “All My Children” and I spent the entire hour wondering when Susan Lucci was going to show up and put everyone in their place. Because that would have been epic. The writers really dropped the ball on that one. Could you imagine her throwing Rebekah against a cave wall and been all, “Bitch, I’m the crazy one in charge around here.” Or her trying to marry one – or both – of the Salvatores? And then the rest of the male population in Mystic Falls? Oh! And Elena could have been her long lost granddaughter or something. I mean, Elena’s entire family is straight out of a soap opera anyway, so why not? Seriously, writers, what were you thinking? What does the Luc’ have going on besides hawking her magical face stuff on QVC? Pine Valley closed up shop months ago; I bet she’s looking for work for the first time in, like, 30 years.
It’s clear to me now that I know too much about the Luc’ and ‘All My Children’ so I’m going to get on with the rest of the recap/review now. K? Cool. Let’s take it from the top:
Elena is still fighting an inner battle over which Salvatore Brother she loves the most. If she’d just consult the stinking Pacey Witter Theorem already she’d realize it’s high time she got her Bad Boy on and maybe we could put this love triangle to bed for now (terrible pun not originally intended, but I’m feeling pretty good about it now so I’m going to leave it). But no, she can’t choose, because she’s conflicted. And even though she called Stefan before she called his equally sexy brother, she definitely channeled her Inner Jealous Girl after showing up unexpected to Casa Salvatore and found Rebekah in her torn dress, looking like she had a sex hangover.
Which, by the way, can we talk about that for a minute? Elena. That is not what you wear to confront a man as sexy as Damon Salvatore. Like, ever. I don’t care if you’re just going over to his house to ask him to edit your history paper for accuracy, you do not just pull the first two things out of your seriously empty and sad looking closet and throw them on. You put some effort in to it. I get that you spend countless hours with the Brothers Salvatore on a daily basis, but do not let yourself get lazy. Just because Damon told you he loved you does not mean it’s time to cover up (though I’ll give the costume designers props for knowing the climate of their fictional town – most shows just put people in miniskirts in February and pretend we won’t notice). If you’re not sure what is suitable attire, ask Caroline. Seriously, when in doubt, call up the one female in Mystic Falls who is able to have hot supernatural sex with Tyler and then subsequently be held captive/tortured in a dirty, grimy cell for a day and still look fabulous at the end of it all. That girl won’t lead you astray.
Secondly, you do not just show up to a dude’s house like that. Because if we’ve learned anything from TV, you never know what you’re going to walk in on. And it’s almost never a sexy dance party. And it’s almost always awkward and something you wish you hadn’t seen.
So Elena is still conflicted about which Salvatore she truly loves, and is feeling extremely guilty about letting CrazyMamaWitch use her blood to
bind the Originals’ Circle to link the Originals together. You see, she’s starting to realize that it might have been a bad idea because Elijah is flawless and perfect and couldn’t possibly do anything wrong. Like take her out in the middle of nowhere and trap her in a maze of underground tunnels with his crazy sister who is just salivating over the thought of killing Elena for literally stabbing her in the back and making her miss Homecoming and ruin her dress. No, he couldn’t possibly do anything like that.
So Elena spends most of the episode in the tunnels trying to convince Rebekah that none of this supernatural linkage is her fault (except it totally is) while pretending she’s not jealous of Rebekah for sleeping with Damon (except she totally is). And Rebekah spends her time torturing Elena with her words until she falls down like someone daggered her. Because Alaric totally daggered Kol at the Grill (and no one noticed) and they’re all connected now. Except for Klaus. Because he’s a hybrid and those sissy daggers won’t work on him. Damon and Stefan really should have seen that one coming. I mean, Jeremy saw that one coming and he’s all the way in Denver.
So the vampire side of Klaus is weakened from being link-daggered, but he’s still strong and mobile enough to be able to undagger Kol and throw Alaric around some, breaking a rib or two in the process. Klaus tells Damon he should have killed him months ago, to which Damon tells him to go ahead and do it because killing him won’t stop Esther from killing all of her children – hybrid or not (I’m not totally convinced he would have actually died considering he’s now part werewolf, but oh well). It was at this point in the exchange that Klaus uttered, “What did you say about my mother?”, a line that’s gotten plenty of use on the playgrounds and school buses of yore. Only when he says it he sounds very fancy and silly because of Joseph Morgan’s sexy accent and less like you’re about to get your ass kicked by the school bully. But despite Klaus’ bravado, he still sounded a bit like a very lost, very lonely little boy who’s got some major mommy and daddy issues. Plus, this entire daggering plot had just interrupted his second attempt at seducing Caroline the Distraction, so I imagine he was probably a little upset that he once again failed to make her see him as Potential Boyfriend Material.
Meanwhile, Elena is running for her life through
Mystic Falls’ own version of the Underground Railroad, trying to put as much distance between herself and Rebekah before the latter can wake up from her dagger nap. But even after being daggered, Rebekah is still an Original and has no problem chasing Elena down. But wait, what’s that? Oh, nothing. Just that secret cave with all the ancient hieroglyphics on the walls that vampires can’t enter. How convenient! So Elena hides out there for a bit while Rebekah treks to the nearest BP station and gets a big ol’ can of gasoline, which she then proceeds to douse Elena in before lighting a match and threatening to end her right then and there. (I have to interject that I don’t believe for a second that none of that gasoline splashed on Rebekah. She should have caught fire as soon as the match sparked, but whatever, I’m just using my logical thinking skills and that is not the kind of thing one should do in Mystic Falls). Elena then calls her bluff, telling her that she knows Rebekah would rather prolong her revenge rather than end her quickly.
Rebekah, for all her sass, is a lot like Caroline. She’s very much a dramatic teenager acting out against the world. She plays the brave woman card very well, but deep down she’s kind of insecure. She was born in a very primitive time and she became a vampire so early in life that she never got to experience things that most woman do. I completely understand why she was excited to go to her first high school dance. I’d be pretty pissed off at Elena for making me miss that too. And it’s obvious that her feelings were hurt when Elena pretended to like her only to literally stab her in the back. I’d want revenge if I were her. And that’s why I love Rebekah and this show as much as I do. Rebekah’s not just a cold blooded killer. She’s not just a vampire. She still feels emotions, she’s a complex character like the rest of the bunch.
But that’s not the only reason I like her so much. I like her because she finally pointed out something that’s been bothering me for awhile. She had the, “Fuck Elena and her precious doppelganger vagina!” moment that I’ve been waiting for. Because it seems like every single male in Mystic Falls would, and does repeatedly, bend over backwards to save Elena’s life. And I’m not saying they shouldn’t, but they also tend to fall all over themselves to do it. First Stefan, then Damon. And as we can infer from this episode and the letter he creepily left sitting in her room (very Damon like, I have to say), Elijah has also fallen for our heroine.
But not before rolling up to Dead Witch Central with Klaus and Kol in tow to attempt to stop Mama Original from killing them all. But while they had some lively family discussions outside, Stefan kept Bonnie occupied long enough in the basement for Damon to feed her mother his blood and snap her neck. Her human death made her not a witch anymore, and just like that CrazyMamaWitch was gone and the spell wasn’t completed – The Originals live to find their way to their sure-to-be-in-the-works spinoff.
Back at her house Bonnie’s all sad that her mom – who up until, like, two weeks ago wasn’t even a part of Bonnie’s life – is transitioning into being a vampire and refuses to see Elena because of it. Caroline tells Elena that Bonnie is always the one to get hurt. WHICH IS FALSE. Because once again, by the end of the episode, Alaric is in danger. He wakes up from his place on the couch to find Crazy Nanny Carrie asleep in her bed. So what’s he do? Snoop around her kitchen. And it’s a good thing he did, because he found files containing information about Bill Forbes’ death, including photographs of the murder weapon. Which just so happens to be wrapped up in a cloth in her bag. Before Alaric even has time to think, “Oh shit, I was right the first time,” Crazy Nanny Carrie is aiming a gun at him, telling him he wasn’t supposed to see all that. And then she fires and the screen fades to black.
- Tyler is still off learning how to break his sire bond.
- Jeremy is still off living the dream in Denver.
- Bonnie is still the most annoying character on the show.
- Kol and Elijah both skipped town by episode’s end, thus breaking millions of viewer’s hearts.
- Stefan is off human blood.
- Damon is still sulking about Elena not wanting him, even after trying to win her over naturally.
- Matty was absent.
- AND OH YEAH, THE WHITE OAK TREE THEY BURNED? THERE’S ANOTHER ONE. BAM.
See you guys on March 15th!
Note: Photo courtesy of the CW.