Check out my Twitter for my thoughts on E!’s red carpet (hint: there was a lot of wine, a lot of whine in regards to the mani-cam, and a couple depressing tweets about the Poehler/Arnett breakup).
Now, let’s get this live-blog going. Here’s hoping I get even one prediction right.
7:58 Before we get started, I would like everyone to know that I am wearing yoga pants and a Pink sweatshirt with a questionable stain on it.
8:02 Tami Taylor, the savior of all humanity, y’all. But not even she can make this good. This intro sucks. The best intros have been, in order, Neil Patrick Harris, Jimmy Fallon and Conan O’Brien.
8:05 Well there was the first Honey Boo Boo reference. And here’s where I point out that I still don’t know Honey Boo Boo from Honey Badger. And I’m proud of it.
8:08 I would not be angry if the entire broadcast was just a shot of Jon Hamm’s face.
8:10 That Steve Buscemi joke reminds me of that time Logan told Veronica she looked like him after not sleeping after the bus crash.
8:11 Why is ‘Two and a Half Men’ still on the air? And why isn’t ‘Parks and Recreation’ nominated tonight?
8:14 Outstanding Supporting Actor in a Comedy goes to: Eric Stonestreet for ‘Modern Family.’ Max Greenfield was robbed. I would not be against a giant bomb dropping on the ‘Modern Family’ set. Do Emmy voters just not get comedy? WHAT IS HAPPENING?
8:20 Louis C.K.’s win for Outstanding Writing for a Comedy almost makes up for that shitty win by Eric Stonestreet.
8:22 There is literally no limit to ‘Breaking Bad’-as-a-sitcom jokes. They are always funny. “Brought to you by… meth!” But mostly I just want to see Jesse Pinkman happy
8:24 Julie Bowen wins the award for Outstanding Supporting Actress in a Comedy for the second year in a row. Seriously, who does Steve Levitan have dirt on? And is Julie just trying to see how many times she can say nipple on TV?
8:34 Steve Levitan’s win for Outstanding Directing for a Comedy has further cemented my previously-joking-but-now-serious comments about Levitan having dirt on someone. ‘Modern Family’ is not that good. Do people not have cable?
8:39 So Melissa McCarthy is the Robert Downey Jr of the Emmys? I can get behind that.
8:40 WHAT THE WHAT? Jon Cryer wins for Outstanding Lead Actor in a Comedy? I retract that last question. I now believe Emmy voters don’t even own televisions.
8:45 If Amy Poehler doesn’t win, I might actually punch a baby. As soon as I find a baby.
8:47 And the award for Outstanding Lead Actress in a Comedy goes to Julia Louis-Dreyfus for ‘Veep.’ We get it, she’s Elaine, and ‘Veep’ is mildly funny, but Amy Poehler is flawless and hysterical and every year she plans a fantastic stunt that is at least 10 times funnier than any of the scripted banter/stunts. So this begs the question… why hasn’t she won the Emmy? And why hasn’t she been asked to host the show yet? Do Emmy voters not understand the comedy of ‘Parks and Recreation?’ I mean, I can at least understand why ‘Community’ doesn’t get nominated. But ‘Parks’ is pretty straightforward in its comedy. I don’t think I’ll ever understand the Emmys.
Oh, and good. We’re to the reality portion of the telecast. I’m going to take a bathroom break, find some more wine, punch myself in the face and come back when we get back to actual television…
9:04 I might actually not survive tonight if Aaron Paul doesn’t win.
9:05 Aaron Paul wins the award for Outstanding Supporting Actor in a Drama for the second time! This hasn’t happened in this category for 16 years. I haven’t screamed like that since Kyle Chandler took home the Emmy last year. My hands were shaking so bad and my heart was nearly beating out my chest so now I think I now know what being on meth might actually feel like.
It’s not that I would have been unhappy with a win for Giancarlo Esposito, but I have a very, very special place in my heart for Jesse Pinkman. And I think it’s fantastic that Aaron is genuinely surprised at his win – just like he was the first time. He deserves this award. And if you don’t understand why, just watch “Problem Dog.”
8:16 Outstanding Writing for a Drama Series goes to Homeland! Yay!
9:18 Come on, Anna Gunn/Christina Hendricks! Christina will be the first Mad Men actor to win if she wins.
9:19 And the award for Outstanding Supporting Actress in a Drama goes to Dame Maggie Smith. Yawn. I really, really thought this was Christina’s year. I mean, deep down I knew that having the word dame in front of your name basically guarantees you a win, but at the same time, I still had hope.
9:23 Oh good, here’s the part where we get to see the first ever win for Best Hair! #JeremyDavies
9:25 It’s so nice to see Jeremy Davies’ showed up in character! It makes the sting of Timothy Olyphant and Walton Goggins’ snubs hurt a little less.
9:27 Oh Jimmy. Only you could make a joke out of the in memoriam portion. And get a ‘I’m Fucking Matt Damon’ reference in the Emmys.
9:28 Outstanding Lead Actor in a Drama Series goes to Damian Lewis. WHAT? I don’t understand. Bryan Cranston is the one who knocks! He took down Gus Fring. How did he not beat a turned POW with a bomb vest that didn’t even work? I can’t believe that just happened. I mean, to be fair, if he had to lose to someone, Lewis was the only real option because he really was fantastic on ‘Homeland,’ but I thought Cranston had it in the bag. Just … wow. I guess the streak is over. Excuse me while I weep for a bit.
9:39 If only there was an Emmy for Outstanding Breakup Scene, maybe then Elisabeth Moss and Jon Hamm would be able to take home some statues.
9:40 “Wow, I can’t believe Claire Danes won for Outstanding Lead Actress in a Drama!” said absolutely no one ever.
But in all seriousness, no one has ever deserved that award more; Danes’ performance in ‘Homeland’ is outstanding and blew all of the other nominees out of the water. However, I do think that was the first time anyone has ever described Mandy Patinkin as lovable.
9:45 And Louis C.K. wins the award for Outstanding Variety Special Writing, beating out the Tony Awards, who’ve had a hold on that award for a few years now. But there’s something I don’t understand … if Emmy voters can recognize Louis C.K.’s brilliance in writing, why can’t they recognize Amy Poehler?
9:51 Ricky Gervais for all the awards.
9:56 ‘The Daily Show with Jon Stewart’ wins Outstanding Variety Series for the bajillionth year in a row and you will not find me voicing any complaints. Dude is my hero. Also, “Free sandwich after 10!” is going down in the best speeches of all time.
10:04 If it weren’t for the British, would this category even exist? Come on, Martin “Fuck you, I won a BAFTA” Freeman!
10:07 Personally, I’d have taken Frances Conroy, but then again, I’ve never been a Jessica Lange fan. And I think Ryan Murphy is the epitome of evil. (Lange took home the Emmy for Outstanding Supporting Actress in a Miniseries or Movie.)
10:15 Outstanding Supporting Actor in a Miniseries or Movie goes to Tom Berenger. I want to make a ‘Major League’ joke, but the movie is pretty much a joke in itself, isn’t it?
PS – It’s OK, Martin, you won a BAFTA, Americans are all fucking idiots and you’re mother-fucking Bilbo Baggins.
10:19 Cue the tears! We lost a lot of great ones this year.
10:27 I’m torn. ‘Buffy’ or ‘Doctor Who/Sherlock?’
10:28 YOU GO, JONATHAN, YOU GO. Danny Strong wins for Outstanding Writing for a Miniseries or Movie . That makes two Emmys for the actor formerly known as Jonathan and Doyle.
10:29 What will it take for Connie Britton to get her due? She was robbed for two years on ‘Friday Night Lights,’ and once again tonight, the Emmys gave an award to a movie star – because that’s what they do. Julianne Moore won for Outstanding Lead Actress in a Miniseries or Movie. If only I thought ‘Nashville’ was an Emmy show…
10:37 I bet Mary Margaret/Snow White wishes she had Emily Thorne as a revenge master.
10:39 COME ON BENNY CUMBERSNATCH!
10:40 Aaaaaaand … the world is most certainly coming to an end. I now believe in the Mayan prophecy. Kevin Costner just won an Emmy for Outstanding Lead Actor in a Miniseries or Movie. Over Benedict Cumberbatch. Do Emmy voters not get BBC America? Does everyone just really love ‘Field of Dreams’ and ‘Dances With Wolves?” Explain yourselves!
10:46 OK, let’s speed this up a bit. I am tired. I am angry. And I cannot take anymore bullshit.
10:48 And yet, I must. ‘Game Change’ triumphs over ‘Luther’ and ‘Sherlock’ to win Outstanding Miniseries or Movie. Now, if you’ll excuse me, I’m going to go jump off my roof.
10:49 In a just world, ‘Breaking Bad’ would win. In the real world, the Emmy for Outstanding Drama Series goes to ‘Homeland!’ I had a feeling that the ‘Mad Men’ streak would end after a less than stellar season, but I would have bet money on the Emmy going to ‘Breaking Bad.’ I have to say that this has been my worst Emmys to date. I think I’ve predicted only two categories correctly. But I cannot hate on the ‘Homeland’ love. The acting, writing and suspense on that show is the reason I am on anxiety medication.
10:56 And Michael J. Fox just got a standing ovation. I might be crying. I swear it’s not the wine.
10:57 The Emmy for Outstanding Comedy Series, much to absolutely no one’s surprise, goes to ‘Modern Family.’
That’s a wrap. I’m going to go cry myself to sleep tonight while thanking God that all those Emmy voters took my threats seriously and voted for Aaron Paul. I mean, if they only got one award right tonight, at least it was his. Because the world should be afraid of what him losing would mean.