Recap: ‘Revenge’ wakes the dead
This weekend I visited some friends from college in New York. And because one of them works at a radio station in Southampton, I had the pleasure of driving around the Hamptons in an 80s-era Volvo.
And let me tell you guys something. I now understand why Emily Thorne always appears to be pissed off and out for revenge. It’s not because the Graysons framed and killed her father in prison. It’s because the speed limit in the Hamptons is almost consistently 30 miles per hour. I’d be constantly pissed off too if I had to drive that slow all the damn time.
But even though I didn’t find my own fashionably dressed, technologically savvy sidekick on the trip, it’s OK, because I knew the real Nolan Ross would be waiting for me Sunday evening when I got home. What I didn’t know or expect was the flamingo boxers we were so wonderfully privy to during the episode. Damn, do I love his thing for animals on his lounge wear.
Anyway, as much as I love talking about Nolan’s boxers, I think some of you might like me to discuss the actual plot (you guys are weird).
The biggest development of the episode is that Victoria is now out of hiding and back at Grayson Manor. I have to say that I am both surprised and not at the same time. The fact that she’s already out of her cabin in the woods (not to be confused with “The Cabin in the Woods“) is surprising in that I thought the writers would wait longer than the second episode to let Daniel know about his mother.
The other side to that, however, is that Victoria is not a camping, hide out in the middle of nowhere kind of woman. She’s definitely from Planet Look-at-Me, Look-at-Me. She has to be the center of attention and in the spotlight. And she’s also the kind of person who has to be in control of every situation. So when Conrad successfully swindled Charlotte out of her inheritance by having a judge declare her unfit, Victoria was unable to pay the White Haired Mannibal Lecter for the new passports he acquired for her and Charlotte to flee the country. She knew she had to think quickly to regain the upper hand, otherwise there was no getting out alive.
So what did she do? She had Conrad beat the crap out of her, framing the White Haired Man (who knew that Emily had planted the Clam-Cam™ and that the evidence of what really happened would be in her possession) and then had him swoop in to play the grateful and no-longer-grieving widow. I almost vomited about four times, but that might have been the lingering NY hangover, so I can’t really be a good judge.
Conrad and Victoria had concocted an elaborate scheme that included her being kidnapped before getting on that doomed plane that killed Lydia in last season’s finale, and Conrad attempting to pay the supposed ransom demands for her safe return. He told Daniel that he had drained his bank accounts already, and that he took his daughter’s inheritance to make the last ransom payment.
Daniel, who by this time already wanted to stab his father in the face for stealing Charlotte’s money (and who, thanks to Emily, knew that his father had paid off her doctor to fake her blood test results – thanks, ex-fiancee whom I am totally still in love with for tipping me off!), was outraged that Conrad supposedly knew about his mother’s non-dead state for months and never told him.
Honestly, I have no idea how Daniel is A) still living within 500 miles of his father and B) not in therapy for all the bullshit he’s had to go through. Get him on some medications, stat, before he does something totally insane (note: going back to Emily would not be insane, OK, Daniel?).
Charlotte, meanwhile, had been sprung from her rehab prison and met with her “sister”, Fauxmanda. She was very happy to find out she was going to be an aunt. Speaking of Fauxmanda, she visited Emily and told her about the paternity test that Jack had asked for. Emily was quick on the uptake and understood that Fauxmanda wanted her to fix the test results.
Unfortunately, between Victoria’s surprise reappearance and Nolan’s accounting analyst Padma (Dilshad Vadsaria, aka Rebecca Logan from ‘Greek’) showing up unannounced to the Hamptons (did she teleport there? Because there is no way she arrived that quickly from the city – remember the 30 MPH speed limits?) neither of the Revenge Team had the time to alter the results.
But the tests came back that Jack was the father anyway, which is both good and bad. When Fauxmanda asked Emily if she’d had to doctor the results, Emily told her that she was sorry, Jack wasn’t the real father. Devious Emily! Planting the seed of the obviously inevitable breakup. Because now that Fauxmanda thinks Jack isn’t the real father, there’s no way the two will actually stay together. I actually like this idea better than just Emily having to fix the results because Jack wasn’t the father. It makes the story less cliched and provides for more fun storytelling.
The episode ended with the White Haired Man arriving at Emily’s to recover the footage of Conrad beating Victoria, meaning the evidence to exonerate him, but she wanted to trade it for information on her mother. Instead of taking the video footage and hoofing it, he decided to just up and kill her and end all the bullshit in his life. Thankfully Weird White Sensei had been stalking Emily all day and was able to save her from the knife attack.
Emily really needs to get her shit together, man. Because she really should have A) seen that coming and B) been able to fight him off. He’s old, he’s probably got emphysema, it’s really not that hard. She’s better than this. But then again, maybe she was daydreaming about her roommate’s boxers. I don’t know her life.
Some quick points:
- There was more Jennifer Jason Leigh in the episode, but we still haven’t moved very far in terms of finding out what really happened to her. All we know is that Victoria visited her in the hospital and helped her walk out of the place right before David was arrested for terrorism.
- Declan, blah. There was some stuff about some guy asking him to hold on to some jewelry. Yeah, sure Declan, because that’s not going to come back around to bite you in the ass. Does anyone even care about this storyline? To me, he’s the Bonnie character of ‘Revenge.’ He’s pointless and I wish he’d either die, or just leave town and never look back. He’s really kind of a bummer all around.
- Seriously, what is Ashley qualified for? Apparently everything, because when Daniel stormed into the investors meeting and confronted his father about taking Charlotte’s money, Conrad asked Ashley to run the meeting while the two stepped outside. BITCH IS NOT QUALIFIED TO BUY ME A BANANA. STOP GIVING HER SHIT TO DO.
- Nolan hates wearing pants as much as I do. See how perfect we are?
- Daniel really still has the hots for his next door neighbor. And I fully approve of this.
Note: Photo courtesy of ABC.