Golden Globes 2013 Liveblog!
Despite my relative unhappiness surrounding this year’s crop of nominees, I’ll be live-blogging tonight’s broadcast as usual… with a bottle (or two) of wine and plenty of snark.
8:03: “None of us have plans to do porn.” Amy Poehler and Tina Fey kill the opening monologue with several hilarious jokes, including an HFPA/HPV joke, a James Cameron burn that I can still feel (“I haven’t been following the controversy surrounding ‘Zero Dark Thirty,’ but when it comes to torture, I trust the lady who spent three years married to James Cameron.”), a joke comparing Anne Hathaway’s performance in ‘Les Mis’ to the Oscars (“I have not seen someone so totally alone and abandoned since you were on stage with James Franco at the Oscars.”) and a great Mandy Patinkin joke that might have gone on too long, but I don’t care because MANDY PATINKIN, HOLLA!
8:09 Supporting Actor in a Motion Picture goes to Christoph Waltz (‘Django Unchained’). Which is a shame because I’d already written Leonardo DiCaprio and then had to backspace.
8:12 Supporting Actress in Anything that Airs on TV goes to Dame Maggie Smith (‘Downton Abbey’), who once again isn’t there to accept her award because she’s more method than Daniel Day-Lewis. And a Dame (however, I think I saw Dame Helen Mirren earlier soo…)
8:17 Where is the rest of Eva Longoria’s dress? Did she get into a vicious car door accident? Could she only afford part of it now that ‘Desperate Housewives’ is over?
8:18 Listen. I love Jonathan (‘Game Change’ wins for Best Miniseries or TV Movie), but ‘The Hour’ and ‘Political Animals’ are/were smart, fantastically written series that deserve to be applauded for their brilliance.
8:21 Best Actress in a Miniseries or TV Movie goes to Julianne Moore, and thus continues the most unsurprising Golden Globes in history. And angers me because I was pulling for Sigourney Weaver.
8:23 Catherine Zeta-Jones does not age. How? HOW DO SHE AND JULIA LOUIS-DREYFUS DO IT?
8:24 Just seeing those ‘Les Miserable’ highlights make me want to burst into song and hug Anne Hathaway (and Google where to buy a life-size Aaron Tveit).
8:32 I don’t care what award it is, give it to Paul Rudd.
8:33 Best Actor TV Series – Drama goes to … CRANSTON. CRANSTON. CRANSTON. Damn. It’s Damian Lewis. It’s well deserved, but I’ll never not choose a ‘Breaking Bad’ actor first.
8:35 Best TV Series – Drama goes (unsurprisingly) to ‘Homeland’. I can’t wait for the episode of ‘The Newsroom’ that is about this Golden Globes telecast. The drama that will ensue from that teleprompter snafu will be golden!
8:43 Tony Mendez, America!
8:44 Confession: I still haven’t seen ‘Argo’ and I’m deeply sorry for that, world.
8:44 J.LO. WHAT IS THAT OUTFIT? That dress beautifully enhances some shit too.
8:45 Best Original Score goes to … Mychael Danna for ‘Life of Pi’. Sadly, Jason Statham did NOT punch J.Lo during this award presentation.
8:47 Best Original Song goes to Adele for “Skyfall” or I’m going to blow this Popsicle stand.
8:48 And she wins! And the world keeps on turning. “We’ve been pissing ourselves laughing,” she says. And that’s why she wins the big awards, ladies and gentlemen!
8:55 Jessica Alba stumbled over the name Benedict Cumberbatch. Am I the only person who lies awake every night reciting his name as if it’s the most beautiful sound in the world? Anyway, he didn’t win. Best Actor in a Miniseries or TV Movie goes to Kevin Costner who put me to sleep for a couple minutes.
8:58 Bill Clinton y’all. He introduced ‘Lincoln’ and I just let out the most amazingly embarrassing fangirl squeal for the former president. I regret nothing.
9:02 Best Actress in Motion Picture – Comedy or Musical is introduced in a bit by Kristen Wiig and Will Ferrel which went on about 4 minutes too long. But the award goes to JENNIFER F’ING LAWRENCE (‘Silver Linings Playbook’) Y’ALL. The highlights from her speech include, “I beat Meryl!” and thanking Harvey Weinstein: “Thank you for killing whoever you had to kill to get me up here today.” She teared up when thanking her parents and her brothers and she continues to be a stunning and well spoken young woman. Give her all of the awards from now on, please.
9:12 Kristen Bell is the cutest pregnant woman wince Sarah Michelle Gellar.
9: 13 Best Supporting Actor in Anything That Airs on TV goes to Ed Harris. Which is really depressing since I was really hoping for a ‘Veronica Mars’ reunion with Kristen Bell and Max Greenfield. And I just realized Veronica Mars, Deputy Leo and Lilly Kane are all the Golden Globes tonight, so my mind just exploded.
9:15 Best Supporting Actress in a Motion Picture goes to Anne Hathaway for ‘Les Mis!’ Does this mean she’s a lock for the Oscar? I certainly hope her win here translates to that. Her performance was so heartbreakingly real in that film. I’m tearing up thinking about it right now. And she beat Sally Field! But thanked her profusely for inspiring her. And this included a ‘Princess Diaries’ shout out so I could basically turn this off right now and be perfectly happy.
9:23 The award for Best Screenplay goes to Quentin Tarantino for ‘Django Unchained’. But I have no opinion on this because I am so far behind on my movie list that I haven’t seen, like, any of the films/writers nominated.
9:27 Best Actor in a TV Comedy/Musical goes to Don Cheadle for ‘House of Lies, a show I hate and don’t find funny at all, despite starring both Kristen Bell and Ben Schwartz.
9:33 Best Foreign Film goes to ‘Amour’ (Austria). I haven’t seen any of these films either, but I did sit through a three minute preview for ‘Amour’ during ‘Les Mis’ and it looked sad and depressing. Naturally, this means it wins.
9:37 Dare I say that I think Lea Michele looks pretty tonight? And I hate that I know this, but she’s not fake tan, folks, she just got back from Hawaii. And that’s the one and only time I will defend Lea, unless you want to talk about ‘Spring Awakening’ with me.
9:38 Claire Danes (‘Homeland’) deservedly wins the award for Best Actress TV Series – Drama, but my heart will forever belong to Connie Britton’s hair.
9:46 Best Animated Film goes to ‘Brave’ so congrats to Kelly MacDonald because I know she voiced the main character? Yeah, that’s as much as I know.
9:49 WHAT IS ‘LIFE OF PI’ ABOUT? I HAVE SEEN THE PROMOS A THOUSAND TIMES AND I STILL DON’T KNOW. (Shut up, I know I should have read the book.)
9:50 Best Actress TV Series – Musical/Comedy goes to Lena Dunham ‘Girls’ (which I’m missing the premiere of for this telecast!) because of course it does she is a flawless person with so many flaws and I want to be her when I grow up and she went to college in Ohio so I feel like we are kin and this is a horribly long run on sentence! But truthfully, Lena’s acceptance speech is up there in class with Anne’s. You could tell how much the award meant to her. Now hurry up, Golden Globes, I want to watch ‘Girls!’
9:57 My GOD, there is still another hour?!
9:59 “YOU KNOW WHAT, TAYLOR SWIFT, STAY AWAY FROM MICHAEL J. FOX’S SON.” Incredible burn by Tina Fey. My BFF would have loved that.
10:00 Robert Downey Jr. is a national treasure, y’all.
10:02 Jodie Foster is being honored for being Jodie Foster (she received the Cecil B. DeMille award). I thoroughly enjoyed the ‘Freaky Friday’ clips and that she was sitting next to Mel Gibson because I have the weirdest soft spot for ‘Maverick.’
10:12 Jodie Foster just gave an entire speech with no punctuation and either she was drunk or having a nervous breakdown, but I don’t care. Her speech about privacy was stellar and beautiful and I’m reminded about why I enjoy her so much.
10:17 Best Director goes to BEN AFFLECK (‘Argo’), BITCHES. HOW DO YOU LIKE THEM APPLES? Sorry, that joke had to be made. My me and everyone else in the world. He spoke faster than I do when I’m on a drunk ‘Friday Night Lights’ fueled rant about Kyle Chandler and Connie Britton being the world’s greatest married couple.
10:21 FYI: He thanked Jennifer and his kids. He did NOT thank Matt Damon.
10:22 Best TV Series – Comedy I SWEAR TO GOD IF ‘MODERN FAMILY’ WINS I QUIT.
10:23 YAY ‘GIRLS’ WINS! And everything is right with the world. It’s hard for me to express how I feel about this show and this win as I’m a 25-year-old female and identify with so much of what is depicted on the show. Also, “I always told myself if I ever got this opportunity I would thank Chad Lowe!” – Lena Dunham.
10:30 CHRISTIAN BALE, Y’ALL.
10:31 Jennifer Garner won a Golden Globe? OMG she thanked people Ben forgot. #Marriage
10:31 Best Actor in a Motion Picture – Comedy/Musical goes to King Hugh Jackman (‘Les Miserables). Because if someone can find a way to make Hugh Jackman ugly, then by God, he deserves to win the award. Also, anything that puts Eddie Redmayne on my screen more, I approve.
10:36 Am now realizing that I just missed out on a Will Tippin/Sydney Briston reunion. And Spy Daddy is in the audience too! This is a terrible night for TV reunions. Damn you, Hollywood Foreign Press Association for denying me my TV dreamz!
10:40 Oh, I see how it is. You now try to distract me with Jeremy Renner! I’m on to you! He’s wearing a shirt! It will take more than that to distract OH HEY KYLE CHANDLER IS IN THIS MOVIE.
10:40 Best Motion Picture – Comedy/Musical goes to ‘Les Miserables!” because DUH. WHERE IS AARON TVEIT? AND WHO PUSHED EDDIE REDMAYNE TO THE BACK? AND I STILL DON’T GET WHY COMEDY AND MUSICAL ARE PUT IN THE SAME CATEGORY.
10:48 Best Actress in a Motion Picture – Drama goes to Jessica Chastain! PLEASE THANK KYLE CHANDLER (Seriously, what IS his role in the film?). Damn, this awards show telecast really was brought to us by gingers, huh? Best Actor in a Motion Picture – Drama goes to Daniel Day-Lewis because he’s Daniel Day-Lewis playing Abraham Lincoln and um, DUH?
10:58 And the last award of the night, Best Motion Picture – Drama, goes to ‘Argo’ which mean yay more Ben Affleck and George Clooney! And
Spy Daddy Victor Garber!