SAG Awards 2013 Liveblog!
Ahhh, the Screen Actors Guild Awards, also known as the most self-indulgent egotistical awards show of the season! I’ve got my trusty bottle of wine, so let’s get started.
8:02 I can’t believe none of you tweeted me with pictures of Neil Patrick Harris on the red carpet! What did I do to offend you? How could you keep this handsome visage from me?
8:03 Oh yeah, I forgot they always open these things with actors telling us how they got their SAG cards or got into acting. BOR-ING.
8:03 Helen Hunt hasn’t really aged very well, yeah? Hal Holbrook, you are my hero. DARREN CRISS, WHAT ARE YOU DOING ON MY SCREEN BEING ADORABLE? God, can you please join a better show (and take Joey Richter with you)? I hate ‘Glee’ and you’d fit right in on ‘The Carrie Diaries’ or something equally adorable. In non-related ramblings, Sophia Vergara says hooker like huker.
8:05 Nicole Kidman is being attacked by a blue sequined sea creature caught in a net but manages to present Male Actor in a Supporting Role to Tommy Lee Jones for ‘Lincoln’. And he is not there. Unamused Tommy Lee Jones is not amused at every person making an unamused Tommy Lee Jones joke right now.
8:08 Jennifer Lawrence and Bradley Cooper introduce a trailer for ‘Silver Linings Playbook.’ I like J.Law’s dress, btw. I skipped the red carpet so this is the first time I’m seeing it. ALSO OMG WHAT IS ON BRADLEY COOPER’S HEAD? QUICK. DON’T JUST STAND THERE, SOMEONE HELP HIM.
8:10 There are so many patterns going on on Justin Timberlake that I am hypnotized into thinking it might be awesome. And he presents the award for Female Actor in a Supporting Role to Anne Hathaway. AND OMG WHAT IS THAT DRESS? WHAT HAPPENED TO THE REST OF IT? DID IT GET CAUGHT IN THE LIMO DOOR? I … WHAT?
8:13 These are always my least favorite speeches because they’re so self-indulgent. These are actors giving actor statues to actors. Tomorrow at work I am going to suggest everyone give me an award shaped like a phone for answering my phone when they call. Anyway, Anne can really babble and ramble, yeah? It’s like she is Mia Thermopolis giving her first speech or something.
8:20 Kerry Washington and Jeff Daniels, who looks like he really has to pee, present the award for Male Actor in a Comedy Series to Alec Baldwin for ’30 Rock.’ I’m sorry, did they just say EIGHT WINS? EIGHT WINS? Louis CK was robbed.
8:24 Julianne Moore and Damian Lewis – a little rude to segregate the redheads, no? – present Female Actor in a Comedy Series to Tina Fey for ’30 Rock.‘ And it’s at this time that I must confess something that has been weighing on me for awhile now… I am over that show and I’m kind of glad it’s ending. I realize this is basically the same thing as saying that I massacre unicorns and bathe in their blood and that I also hate rainbows, but I can’t help it. I’m sorry, world.
8:28 Cranston, Goodman, Affleck and Arkin introduce ‘Argo’ in addition to creating the greatest fictional law office ever. But I am more excited about the fact the cameraman just decided it was time to linger on Neil Patrick Harris. And the noise that came out of my mouth at the sight of my future adoptive father was most definitely not human. I apologize to every dog within a 500 foot radius.
8:30 Julianna Margulies and Noah Wyle are representing ‘ER’ and presenting the actors for Outstanding Ensemble in a Comedy Series to ‘Modern Family’ for the billionth boring time. I am too exhausted to even go on a rant right now. I’m just going to drink this glass of wine real quick and pour myself another before the show returns from commercial.
8:41 Liev Schrieber and Naomi Watts (I like whoever was responsible for pairing the presenters tonight) present the award for Female Actor in a TV Movie/Miniseries to Julianne Moore. Don’t worry, Sigourney Weaver, you’re still my girl.
8:42 I hate it when actors give speeches saying the SAG Award means more than any other award because it comes from other actors. It’s the most egotistical remark they could give at the most egotistical awards show there is. We get it, you’re an actor. We get it, they voted for you. But don’t be surprised if you don’t win the Emmy because the voters were offended that they weren’t the most important.
8:45 Rose Byrne is wearing my wallpaper circa 1992. She and James Marsden present Male Actor in a TV Movie/Miniseries to Kevin Costner. But he’s not there, presumably because he read my Golden Globes liveblog and didn’t want to put me to sleep again.
8:49 Boring SAG history documentary. Yawn. Excuse me, I’ve got to Google “Where can I find a 24 hour yoga place in Columbus, Ohio so I can look like Nina Dobrev?”
8:57 Anne Hathaway and Hugh Jackman present the trailer for ‘Les Miserables’. And give the same joke that every blogger and journalist has made about the stars and their previous résumés. They’d know this if they ever read the Internet.
8:59 Alec Baldwin introduces Dick Van Dyke! I don’t understand how he hasn’t already received the Lifetime Achievement Award? This is possibly the most offensive thing about the SAG Awards. I can’t believe it.
9:04 Fun fact, I have seen every episode of ‘Diagnosis Murder.’
9:05 Excuse me, I might be crying right now. My favorite thing about Dick is that smile he always has on his face. Like he’s genuinely happy and surprised at the love and support from the entire world.
9:14 I NOMINATE AMY POEHLER AND NEIL PATRICK HARRIS FOR EVERYTHING EVER .
9:15 Male Actor in a Drama Series goes to BRYAN CRANSTON, FOR THE LOVE OF GOD THEY GOT IT RIGHT, THEY GAVE GIVE IT TO CRANSTON. I just screamed and threw my remote. In related news, my neighbors officially hate me. If they didn’t already. Also, can we get Neil and Bryan on the same show next time? My head might explode, but I’m completely OK with that. I don’t really need it. I hardly ever use it, anyway.
9:20 Taye Diggs and Busy Phillips are basically a dream team to me. Female Actor in a Drama Series goes to Claire Danes. I typed that before they even announced her win. And I’m not complaining, Claire deserves every single award she ever receives, but it’s just not surprising anyone anymore. That being said, when does ‘Homeland’ come back?
9:25 Oh hey, Jessica Chastain, I like your dress. Oh great. She’s introducing the in memoriam section. Here we go. I need more wine.
9:35 Alfred Molina and Sigourney Weaver present the award for Outstanding Ensemble of a Drama Series to Downton Abbey. Holy shit, I legitimately didn’t see that one coming. I am actually very surprised. I don’t know why though, considering every person in the world is obsessed with the show. While I’d have liked to see the award go to ‘Breaking Bad’, I’ll allow it. But Dan Stevens and I are going to have a serious talk when he gets home about why he didn’t go to the show.
On a side note: Aaron Paul really approved of the use of the awkward dinner clip for the show’s clip for the award. I love it. And him. I need July to get here right now. Because I am going through horribly offensive withdrawal symptoms. I’ve watched the supercut of Jesse saying bitch way too many times now.
OH HEY, JOHN SLATTERY!
9:40 Daniel Day-Lewis and Sally Field introduce the clip for ‘Lincoln’ and now I wish I could watch the film again. Because this time I won’t be shocked by the presence of Walton Goggins and Lee Pace and can really pay attention.
9:42 Robert DeNiro presents the award for Female Actor in a Leading Role to Jennifer Lawrence, because obvious reasons. And she thanks MTV first, because of course she does (she received her SAG card for doing a promo for ‘My Super Sweet 16’).
9:45 I’m still really concerned about what is happening on Bradley Cooper’s head. Is it for a role? Was it a dare? Did he contract temporary blindness? I NEED ANSWERS, COOPER.
9:52 I spilled my wine.
9:53 Viola Davis presents the award for Male Actor in a Leading Role to Daniel Day-Lewis. Because, once again, duh. Poor Hugh Jackman. He gave one of the best performances of his life, and he had to go up against Daniel Freaking Day-Lewis. Anyway, Daniel Day-Lewis is the man. He’s so eloquent and he doesn’t even say much.
9:57 Jude Law (really?) presents Outstanding Ensemble in a Motion Picture to ‘Argo’! Which means Bryan Cranston takes home two naked men tonight! In other news, I noticed that Kyle Chandler is not in attendance. I don’t know why we were denied Coach Taylor, but I’m going to write a very angry letter to his agent demanding answers. I’ll report back my findings.
That’s a wrap! I talk a lot of crap about this awards show, but for all of its egotism, it’s the only awards show that lasts 2 hours. And for that, I am very thankful. Now, I’m off to watch the crap that’s been recording on my DVR since 8 PM.